I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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