I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
