worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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