yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
