Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
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That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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