Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just cut my nipple shaving
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
