I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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