I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
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I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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