Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
