This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
