I can tuck mytits in my pants
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
