In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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