just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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