it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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