Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Randomize
