New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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