I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
