I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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