I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
