I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
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Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
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You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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