Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
