If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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