if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
