I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
