My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
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Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
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Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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