I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
