You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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