someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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