Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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