Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
