She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
