Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
