I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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