If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
