Im at strip club and am horny
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
