i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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