Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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