that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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