the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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