dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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