I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
