Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
