i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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