Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
