i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
