Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So much Jack, so little girl.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
