I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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