I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
