tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
