Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
