HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
