I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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