When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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