Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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