What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
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Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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